In a dysfunctional family, the system continues because it is unchallenged. Everyone participates to ensure that the embarrassing truths or awful secrets do not come to the surface in a way that would cause others to question the family’s outward show of unity. 

One of the main ways this is accomplished is the use of “no repair.” Like many other rules of dysfunction, it is an unspoken expectation and requirement that no one within it can or will explain. 

In practice within an unhealthy family, the rule of no repair means that anyone in the family can do anything they want. There is usually one leader who has the most power and control, and they cannot be questioned at all. Their word is law. The other members fighting amongst themselves can lash out, explode in anger, tell lies, get wasted, or talk all kinds of shit about each other. There is never any acknowledgement of wrongdoing, apology, or promise of changed behavior. There might be some drunken “I love you.” Then they continue perpetuating the story of the ideal family as if nothing disruptive had ever happened. 

The concepts of family togetherness and identity become the ideals held up before all other things. This is easy to achieve and it’s socially acceptable. No one thinks anything is wrong when a family sticks together no matter what, stands up for each other against outsiders, and values family relationships above all else. It makes it quite simple to hide behind dysfunction when other typically healthy families are living with the same values. 

The constant pressure to make things okay when they are not okay is a large amount of work for the brain. It warps and skews the collective damage of the family members into what appears to be a functioning group. Individuals in this system don’t learn how to take responsibility for their unregulated emotions or behaviors. They don’t learn how to make amends or even why it’s necessary. The women in my family who have been the most traumatized are the ones who see themselves as the strongest because they have not let anything come between their unresolved damage and their image of the family. 

In healthy relationships, some amount of acknowledgement is needed to demonstrate empathy. We may get upset and say things that are hurtful in the moment. We must also take responsibility for those hurtful things because we know they have affected someone we care about. Functional families all have their own ways of accomplishing this, from a brief knowing glance to an entire crying and hugging session. By showing our loved ones that we can talk about difficult and uncomfortable things in an honest way, we are demonstrating care. This is what real strength looks like. Healthy families (and all healthy people who want to have good relationships with others) know that understanding how someone else feels is the best way to connect, repair, and show love.