A new part of my healing process is revealing itself more and more. It’s a topic that has generated numerous blog posts and magazine articles and morning news segments. It’s the ubiquitous term and the actions known as “adulting.”

My to-do list used to consist of watching TV and smoking cigarettes. There were things I wanted to do, but never had the energy after work and household stuff. I knew it was depression, but back then, I didn’t know the depth or scope of it. I didn’t realize that my emotional bandwidth was just too full of past traumas and unresolved pains to be able to engage with others or enjoy the activities I wanted.

I’m 12 years into my therapy and healing process, and I’m feeling tons better. I’ve sourced and processed a lot of things that were weighing me down, and opened up a lot of space for my authentic self to shine through. 

So, with greater physical and emotional energy, I’m growing increasingly able to actually do all of the things that I’ve always wanted to do. I own a home with acreage and infinite possibilities for projects, landscaping, animals, and gardens. I know how to write, sew, craft, dance, cook, bake, and photograph. I love birdwatching with binoculars. I enjoy outdoor pursuits like fishing and hiking with my husband. 

Great so far, right?! Oy vey. 

I have seen a recent increase in enthusiasm, energy, and creativity. I have also noticed an increase in anxiety, nervous system freeze, and feelings of pressure and stress. I have SO MANY things to do! I want to do them all, I don’t know how to choose, it feels overwhelming, and it seizes me up. I already have to do all of the other things that taking care of an adult human entails, and it’s still pretty new to me to even be able to do that! Cleaning, personal hygiene, reading, and healthy food planning are all on deck too. And a 40 hour per week job! And a marriage! Whew! 

Sometimes this all feels very exciting and manageable. Sometimes it feels daunting and makes me want to take a nap and watch Bridgerton. 

I have tried to navigate this by making extensive to-do lists in writing on real paper while I’m breathing and daydreaming. This lets me look at everything objectively instead of having it all floating around inside. I also allow myself to do 7 tasks at the same time, when I feel like I need to jump around between laundry, writing, eating, and other chores.

My brain eventually slows, re-aligns, and moves towards gratitude. I have SO MANY things I GET TO DO. This life is what I wanted for myself for many years before now. I have the bandwidth to decide how much or how little I need or want to do, and there is no shame attached anymore, which is such a relief. When I need to take a nap and watch TV, it’s no longer all that I’m capable of.

This is the work for me.