Obligation and Guilt

Human cultures place a huge emphasis on the importance of family. By nature, we want to be around others and we want to be accepted by others. By instinct, when we needed to live in groups to achieve food security, we developed survival strategies. Probably by trial and error, we learned that our young did not survive if we mated with close relatives. 

As we developed in civilization, it remained imperative for us to live together and to be able to depend on others to share the physical and emotional labor that was required for our sustainability. Humans have needed each other since time began; in the garden, in the cave, in the field, on the prairie, and on the farm. We need close relatives, a safe home, and an extended network of family and friends to help us work, parent, and build skills.

Or do we? In the current age of technology, independence, and consumerism, do we physically need other humans in order to survive? 

I believe we do need to be around other people for emotional health, community and fellowship, cooperation, and productivity. However, we no longer necessarily require them to be biologically related to us. Gone are the days in which a couple with a farm needed to have 10 children to help with the tasks of running the farm. Gone are the days of hunting in packs and huddling for warmth around a fire under the stars. We no longer have a biological imperative to reproduce as much as possible to ensure the species continues, because there are 8 billion of us. 

Theoretically, this can make it easier to end biological relationships that are no longer healthy for us. Evolutionarily, we can survive without them. Realistically, most of us remain very closely connected to the relationships that we were born into. Socially, it is very complicated and not generally acceptable to end or create distance from family relationships. Even with a wide range of subgroups on the planet with vast cultural differences from each other, most continue to value and prize the family unit above other types of relationships. 

Personally, when I realized the extent of the damage that had been done by my family, I began to question the importance of our relationships to each other. 

As a young teen and adult, any complaints I had about my family would be met by others with responses such as, “But she’s your mother” and “But your stepfather loves you so much”. 

I eventually discovered that most of my relationships were based on obligations and guilt. The social pressure to maintain family connections “no matter what” absolutely kept me in abusive relationships much longer than I would have stayed if their behavior was the only variable being weighed in my decision. 

When I tried to speak up for myself, the abusive persons themselves said things like, “I don’t want you to feel that way because I love you” and “I’m sorry you think that way about me” without changing their behavior. They consistently forced a reframing of the situation to be either “my fault” or “not that bad.”

Presently, I gauge the relationships I choose to keep in my life by how they actually make me feel. People who routinely and frequently mistreat and undervalue me, while saying they care about me or want to be a family, are observed based on the behavior they’re demonstrating, rather than upon their words alone. I am discerning by my own observations whether they are able to meet my emotional needs, or at the very least whether they are capable of managing their hurtful behavior. 

I am no longer allowing an unlimited amount of bad behavior, abusive manipulation, emotional instability and volatility, or just plain drama from people who say they love me. I’m not obligated to allow anyone who is harmful to me to remain in my life. Forgiveness and resolution is possible to achieve from a one-sided perspective when the abusive person is not able to participate in that process. 

In this way I am able to offer love, approval, kindness, and acceptance to myself. 

I want love that feels like I’m being loved. I want caring that shows care, affection, compassion, and gentleness. 

I’m worth that, and so are you.