INTRODUCTION

What is Shadow Soup? 

Welcome to the page! Shadow Soup is my name for nourishing all of the things that my inner child needed during a traumatic upbringing. 

My abusive childhood extended through my twenties into a kind of helpless psuedo-adulthood. I was past 30 with no real identity of my own. I had a series of bad relationships with similar dysfunctional dynamics that I saw growing up. I had tons of self destructive behavior and no model for how to manage my life. I was well on my way to becoming a completely self-righteous victim-perpetrator of abuse to others before I decided to make some huge changes.

Twelve-plus years of therapy later, I’m talking about everything. Some people are very uncomfortable with me talking so openly about family, boundaries, relationships, and abuse. Discussing uncomfortable things and shining light on abusive behavior is how to step out of denial, repression, and shame. It’s how we can heal from inflicted secrets. 

This page is created mainly as an outlet for my writing and thoughts about mental health stuff. It is be a place to talk about trauma, child abuse, child development, therapy, self awareness, inner child reparenting, and shadow work. We’ll see how it grows.

I have 4 parents. Each has their own extensive set of generational trauma. My main abusers during childhood were, without exception, victims of abuse themselves. They are unhealed children; damaged and wounded, betrayed, left unsafe by their own caretakers, and left to ruminate, decompensate, and self-destruct in survival mode. They were not given the tools they needed to cope with adulthood, parenting, relationships, hygiene, finances, nutrition, or anything else. They faced personal tragedies and struggled with substance abuse, mental health issues, and relationship ruptures. I was exposed to many terrible things by those who were supposed to be my caregivers, but there are no villains in my story. These people deserve the compassion that they were never given and that we as abused children were never taught to give ourselves. Being raised in abusive and neglectful environments causes children to gravitate towards and even almost exclusively attract negative and harmful relationships in adult life. It warps our brains. 

I’m blogging about what I’ve learned, how it’s affected who I am now, and how I manage my healing life post-trauma. I’m posting about how doing the work has changed me and saved me, and continues to challenge me. I’ll also be writing an entire memoir about the specific development of my generational trauma and how I got out of the cycle while I’m blogging, so watch this space. I have decided to share the painful details of my abuse story with the world in an effort to help others see what’s possible. 

This page will have all kinds of projects, crafts, hobbies, activities, and writings that my inner child has always wanted to do. Maybe silly and simple ideas, but enjoyable, and repressed for reasons that shouldn’t restrict a child. Many potentially cathartic ideas and other introspective elements of my identity and personality were squashed by various damaged adults during my youth. I didn’t pursue obvious talents and interests. I didn’t pursue a lot of things that I’m able to make time for now during my healing journey. It might be music, photography, exercise, nutrition, poetry, yoga, mindfulness, books, and nature. I like to talk about cooking, gardening, the importance of feeding others, and sustainability. Shadow Soup is my inner child’s home and safe space. It is spunky, bright, colorful, and irrepressible. 

This is the expression of my authentic identity as I got to know her. I want to share my true identity because I had to fight hard to save it. I want others to feel safe in discussions here. I’m not a victim, but I will talk about the worst ways humans treat each other, because it doesn’t get better while we’re silent. I’m not a completed work, but I can show you how it’s possible to survive extensive abuse, reclaim life, and rise above. 

Love is an action verb.