How I Did the Work.
- When I am successful at something new, or something you didn’t know about, are you happy for me? Or snarky and resentful of my success?When I set boundaries that are necessary for me, are you respectful of my needs? Or angry at the way my boundary limits you?When I have chosen to end a relationship with someone you know, do you register my choices as important to me? Or end the relationship with me because you don’t want to be in the middle?When I talk about my abusive parents and family, are you understanding of my experiences? Or arguing about the importance of keeping family ties and not making waves?Be careful of people who are not happy for you when you are happy. Be mindful of people who insist you don’t need boundaries. Be curious about people who see your problems and experiences as reflective of their own life choices rather than being able to talk about you. Be cautious with people who exert pressure on themselves to meet “your expectations” for their personal relationship choices when you have only communicated standards for your own relationships.As we proceed with making the decisions that are best for us, other people may throw some surprising red flags our way. These circumstances are often confusing and always unfortunate, but they serve to let us know important things about the people we choose to surround ourselves with. The example scenarios above are all things that I have experienced from people who have chosen to make my problems about themselves instead of taking the time to relate and connect to me. I don’t understand why, and I can’t pretend to explain it. I’m sure it’s about insecurity and unwillingness to acknowledge their own issues. They have all helped me to clearly see their priorities and capacities so that I can make informed decisions about how to value and protect myself, my energy, and my vulnerability.We have to trust that relationships sometimes come to a natural end and will be replaced with something even better for us.
- Humans Need Nourishment
Until recently, I never felt anything realistic about my weight. When I was a normal-sized and healthy child, I was starved, forced to exercise in humiliating ways, and told that I was fat. Of course I believed it. The people telling me that were incredibly attractive people with lots of… Read more: Humans Need Nourishment - The Hardest Way Out is Through
You may have heard the expression, “The only way out is through.” I’ve always taken this to mean that our problems have to be processed and resolved before we’re able to heal the associated strong feelings of pain, sadness, and other difficult emotions. That’s the context in which the phrase… Read more: The Hardest Way Out is Through - Love That Feels Like Love
Obligation and Guilt Human cultures place a huge emphasis on the importance of family. By nature, we want to be around others and we want to be accepted by others. By instinct, when we needed to live in groups to achieve food security, we developed survival strategies. Probably by trial… Read more: Love That Feels Like Love - Reparenting my Authentic Self
There is a lengthy process by which an adult survivor becomes able to give themselves what they did not receive in childhood. It has many names in therapeutic settings, but the word reparenting struck a deep chord with me. I assume many who have used these tools felt they were… Read more: Reparenting my Authentic Self
Shadow Soup 